I am depressed and want to end my life?

I have been depressed off and on for the past 8 years. I have gotten assessed but I just not sure of the assessment's acuracy. I was told that I have dyslimia(mild but not chronic depression. Lately I have attempted to live on my own with no success in another Province. I had no help from family or support. Before I moved out I was merely kicked out andthrown back into hell with my real father until I chose to move. I lived in a shelter and ran into problems with ppl. I do not have a very good opinion on people, I trust very little. I always have relationship problems, be it family or romantic. I find the people who will treat me like total **** and I can't help but stay and try to make things work, or it is the ones who do not know what they want. My family has never been particularily close, my step dad hates me, we never talk and I feel I have made his life misserable, I have been so unsuccessful at trying to build a life for myself. I get depressed cuz of a certain job I am stuck at and I screw things up there. I went without work for long periods of time. I recently did one good thing and took a health care aide course but since I was not working I was being given money by my grandma which made me feel extremly guilty. At this point I met someone who I seem to not be able to have. We were close and now it has diminished and I miss how things were. I see potential and I care about her, we have quite a bit in common, althought she thinks that we are similar yet different. We can sometimes be pretty volatile to each other, she is very confused in what she wants, seems to want the perfect guy and I am endlessly trying to measure up, it scares me that I will never have sopmeone, there are so many ppl in this world that end up alone, its a sad truth. For the first time I seemed to have found someone I connected with and made me feel great and then it all changed. Yet she is confusing to me that she teases, she gets jealous when I talk to other girls sometimes. She seems to want someone nearly like her in all her interests, someone to tell her things she doesnt already know. I know I should just move on, say its not worth my time, but there is something about her, I am her friend but it is hard for me still. I was the one who called it off, but I think I was too honest, she told me about seeing this ex of hers(unfinished buisiness) later on I had a huuge fight with my mom and lost my temper, it scared me so much I had to call it off. I was ashamed of myself and I never wanted her to ever have to see that. In telling her what happened exactly I think I scared her tho she says I did not, she told me she had a dream were we had an argument and I slapped her across the face. I think I was too straight forward or honest and I think I scared her in some way. I do know I need help, my anger gets the best of me and it makes me feel even more terrible. I constantly feel my life will never get better I am 25 years old and I am still stuck in a rut. I have to even postpone clinical becuz I did not receive my child abuse checkup in time. I don't want to wait anymore , I am embaressed enough I have to live with my grandma, its been like a year and a half now. I can't seem to do anything properly, I feel inadequate and stupid, especially when talking to others who seem to have a better life and know more. I do not have a load of friends, no one seems to want anything to do with mre and that really hurts. one thing I know is you can't love another unles you love yourself, then why is it I care more about one person than myself. I just feel lost, I have thought of so many ways to just end it and it is hard because I think about how my parents would be and all the ppl I do know, but than I think would it really matter that much, I just want out, perhaps things would be better. help :(